Today, my word is Change.
It's all around me now, in so many different ways.
My morning reading from my book on the Tao contained this quote;
"This is the nature of nature. Everything changes and nothing is permanent. Human beings, as part of nature, are subject to the same Tao. Everything we see, touch, and feel is undergoing transitions, just like the clouds in the sky and the stars at night. The nature of our lives is impermanence."
Yes, I am studying the Tao. I am a student of many religions. I'm a spiritual person. I believe in God. I believe in Love, Truth, Honor, Nature. I believe in lots of things but, that's as far as I'm going to go right now because I want this blog to remain somewhat non-controversial for the moment.
Make no mistake, I am not afraid to express my opinions at all. EVER!
....but after the slew of brutal tweets I endured on twitter after posting something about the NRA, I'd prefer to play it safe ...just for now.
So back to Change.
It seems that true to all quotes change is inevitable and constant.
Some changes are much harder than others.
There are those who say that Death, Divorce and Moving are the three toughest.
I've certainly walked through my share of deaths. First, foremost and most devastating for me, the loss of my father when I was 11.
I endured losing my father all over again when just after my 1st book was published, I found out that my father had not died from a second stroke, like I'd been told. He died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
The where, why and how of how I found this out is very personal and not something I'm prepared to share with the blogosphere just yet, or maybe even ever.
I will tell you this; that I could not get the answers I sought at the time so I hired professionals who went to the LAPD and LA County Coroner for me and pulled all of their records. Minus photos, of course. I had a deep burning need to know exactly what happened and why but I had no need to have the images burned into my brain.
So back to Change...Death is ranked up there as the hardest and I have seen my fair share of it. It is a part of the human experience. It touches us all throughout our lives and eventually will come for each of us.
That sort of philosophy is easy to spout when one is not walking through a loss but ultimately for me, it is always a great comfort.
More Change; Divorce.
I know way too much about this. I've lived it from every conceivable angle and been through it myself, twice. A fact that I am not at all proud of.
My first divorce was not what one could call, amicable.
My second divorce was.
Both were incredibly, nearly unendurably sad but time has tempered hurt feelings and ill will.
Though my first husband, Bo and I have no communication at all.
Bruce and I do communicate. I think we communicate rather well. I'm damn proud of that. He remains a dear friend and an ally.
The last, hardest change (according to what 'they' say...whomever 'they' are.) is moving.
Golly I've done a lot of moving in the past two decades, From Encino California to Malibu, back to Encino, New York (three different dwellings there), back to LA...Hollywood Hills, Sherman Oaks, Hidden Hills, Valley Village, Calabasas, Tarzana, Studio City and now, this Saturday, I will be leaving LA and moving to a small town in Michigan.
my very own version of Bedford falls.
For me this is a massive change. Its scary as hell but, it is time.
I need a place where I can be at peace and create. Whether that is writing or doing theater or cooking, needle pointing or gardening.
I'm ready to live somewhere that I can have neighbors with casseroles, drive in movies and Dairy Queen.
I'm ready to live somewhere that I don't have to practically kill myself to be a size two or remain looking like I haven't aged past forty.
Great fishing within walking distance,
and reading on my screened in porch
A tranquil existence I can share with The Boy
and The Husband
I mean The Husband
Sorry Baby..... ;)
Here I hope this photo of my teeth makes up for the Poindexter picture:
Though you could take off the Poindexter look...my teeth were a part of my real face.
So back to this Change business. It seems that I can't do just one life change at at a time. After talking to my girlfriends who have tread the biological waters before me....most especially talking just yesterday my BFF Sandy Peckinpah
It seems that the weepiness, sleeplessness, weight gain in my mid section, slow down of metabolism and my desperate need to keep the thermostat at 68 degrees because I'm always sweaty add up to the undeniable fact that I am stepping into menopause.
Its about right. I'm 49 years old.
So I've begun my extensive research and I'm choosing Bio identical Hormone Replacement Therapy. I've found an amazing Dr in Michigan and I'm going to tackle this new phase head on and thoroughly informed.
Not an easy thing to do, might I add. I'm really grateful to have the Internet and all of the access to information but, jeez Louise...there's just so much!
The one thing that all can agree on though is the list of horribles...the symptoms.
I mean get a load of this!!
I only have a few of these symptoms but the list above is scary. There's more too!
Loss of libido being on of things missing from the list above...then again...that might've been difficult for the artist to draw.....
That's NOT one of my problems but it could be and that's just not acceptable to me AT ALL. So, as soon as I'm all settled in my new home, the testing will begin and I will begin treatment. I will definitely share the whole experience with those of you who read this blog and I hope it helps you or someone you love....I hope it helps me!
In the meantime, I'm drinking extra water, taking walks and just trying to be gentle with myself.
I have to tell you though, it helps to have the most supportive, understanding, compassionate and loving man on the planet walking through this with me. He even called the Dr to see if they could get me an appointment sooner (My Dr is booked until November).
I do love my husband. He's a good man.
So, while he is at the forefront of my thoughts right now, I'll share with you one of our favorite poems. We had it read at our wedding ceremony.
This is for you Timothy Clark Busfield
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
More to come my friends.
In the meantime, I send you oceans of love,